I have spent the past nine years climbing into a dark whole on this day. No tv or radio has been played in my house on this day, September 11, until today. Today marks the 10 year anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and it is the first day that I am ready to face the pain and horror that I witnessed that day.
Remembering is hard and painful. It is hard to let myself bring back the emotions I felt that day and the days that followed. I think I spent the first day in shock. And the days after in a constant state of sorrow and re-evaluation of my life. I was living in NYC and working in mid-town 10 years ago. I started a journal late that night on September 11, 2001. Below is what I wrote, unedited.
"I will actually start this journal as a memberance of my life as I believe I have entered through a new gate this day. This day will be marked down in the history books forever and anyone living in this era will be forever changed. I know I am.
"I began the day by arriving at work at 8:20 a.m. as usual. I did my usual routine by checking voice mail and e-mail and checking the news for the day. I received an email from my good friend, Nicole at about 8:45 a.m.. She works in the World Financial Center downtown. She also always arrives to work early. I opened it and in the e-mail, she stated that there had been an explosion in one of the towers at the world trade center and that she was O.K.. I was very confused by this because I hadn't heard anything about it yet. There wasn't a story about it or anything on the internet yet so I called Nicole to see what was going on. She sounded pretty calm and she wasn't sure what was going either. She said she was sitting at her desk and heard an explosion and ran to her window and saw a fire. She had heard that it might be a plane. She then asked me to call in a bit to make sure she was O.K.. That was the last time I talked to her that day.
"After I got off the phone with her, I still couldn't find any news about what was going on so we turned on the tv's in the conference rooms. We found coverage on every channel. And to our amazement, we watched another plane hit the 2nd tower. I was in shock. I called my mom and told her that I was alright and that I wasn't close to the towers but that I was worried about Nicole. We watched the news for hours but it seemed like it was only a few minutes. We watched as we found out that our country was under attack. The pentagon had been hit by a plane too and another one went down in Pennsylvania. We watched as the WTC towers crumbled to the ground and as people ran for their lives. We didn't know where the next target would be. Where could we go for shelter? I left my office at 1:30 p.m. and started my long journey home. All transportation had been shut down and I was to walk the 40+ blocks to my apartment.
"As I entered the street still shaking from watching the horrific events, I saw other scared faces too. Every New Yorker was out on the street walking home. For the first time since I had been there, it was quiet. The streets were filled but not a word or yell was exchanged. I buddied up with one of my co-workers and walked together. We stopped at a pub for her to use the restroom. It was strange. Despite what was going on around, there were people eating, DRINKING and being merry. Did they not know what was going on?
"My co-worker and I were not prepared to walk so far, we had very uncomfortable shoes on and didn't think we could make it the distance. We stopped at a shoe store to grab some comfortable shoes and they were sold out. In fact, any store that was open was out of any tennis shoe, slide or flip flop. Were were out of luck. As we approached 59h street, we an amazing site. People were gathering together to cross the bridge into Queens. My mom described it as being just like the Jews being led out of Egypt. That is exactly what it looked like. No pushing, no shoving or running. Just walking together and brothers and sisters.
"As I approached my apartment, I turned back and looked down the avenue. The streets were nearly empty by now and all I could see at the end was smoke as it rose in the afternoon sun, polluting the blue sky. When I got home, I found my roommate and some friends here. The had the news on t.v.. The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent gathering details from the news and calling everyone in our ward till we them all accounted for.
"As the midnight hour approached, we found that everyone was safe and though I had not talked to Nicole, I heard that she was O.K. and being taken car of in Connecticut. AS far as we knew, everyone in our stake had been accounted for and all was well. Though there were many that had worked down there, everyone wither just couldn't 'get it together' that morning or escaped easily.
"It is amazing that all were protected and watched over. As all the events began in the morning, I know the first thing that popped in my head was the hymn 'Where can I turn for Peace?'. For the first time, I knew exactly what the hymn was about and what it meant to me. The only security I felt this day was with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. My world had changed in a matter of minutes and right before before my eyes. I had been stripped of any sense of safety and security I ever had before. My Savior was and is the peace left in for my soul."
"I will actually start this journal as a memberance of my life as I believe I have entered through a new gate this day. This day will be marked down in the history books forever and anyone living in this era will be forever changed. I know I am.
"I began the day by arriving at work at 8:20 a.m. as usual. I did my usual routine by checking voice mail and e-mail and checking the news for the day. I received an email from my good friend, Nicole at about 8:45 a.m.. She works in the World Financial Center downtown. She also always arrives to work early. I opened it and in the e-mail, she stated that there had been an explosion in one of the towers at the world trade center and that she was O.K.. I was very confused by this because I hadn't heard anything about it yet. There wasn't a story about it or anything on the internet yet so I called Nicole to see what was going on. She sounded pretty calm and she wasn't sure what was going either. She said she was sitting at her desk and heard an explosion and ran to her window and saw a fire. She had heard that it might be a plane. She then asked me to call in a bit to make sure she was O.K.. That was the last time I talked to her that day.
"After I got off the phone with her, I still couldn't find any news about what was going on so we turned on the tv's in the conference rooms. We found coverage on every channel. And to our amazement, we watched another plane hit the 2nd tower. I was in shock. I called my mom and told her that I was alright and that I wasn't close to the towers but that I was worried about Nicole. We watched the news for hours but it seemed like it was only a few minutes. We watched as we found out that our country was under attack. The pentagon had been hit by a plane too and another one went down in Pennsylvania. We watched as the WTC towers crumbled to the ground and as people ran for their lives. We didn't know where the next target would be. Where could we go for shelter? I left my office at 1:30 p.m. and started my long journey home. All transportation had been shut down and I was to walk the 40+ blocks to my apartment.
"As I entered the street still shaking from watching the horrific events, I saw other scared faces too. Every New Yorker was out on the street walking home. For the first time since I had been there, it was quiet. The streets were filled but not a word or yell was exchanged. I buddied up with one of my co-workers and walked together. We stopped at a pub for her to use the restroom. It was strange. Despite what was going on around, there were people eating, DRINKING and being merry. Did they not know what was going on?
"My co-worker and I were not prepared to walk so far, we had very uncomfortable shoes on and didn't think we could make it the distance. We stopped at a shoe store to grab some comfortable shoes and they were sold out. In fact, any store that was open was out of any tennis shoe, slide or flip flop. Were were out of luck. As we approached 59h street, we an amazing site. People were gathering together to cross the bridge into Queens. My mom described it as being just like the Jews being led out of Egypt. That is exactly what it looked like. No pushing, no shoving or running. Just walking together and brothers and sisters.
"As I approached my apartment, I turned back and looked down the avenue. The streets were nearly empty by now and all I could see at the end was smoke as it rose in the afternoon sun, polluting the blue sky. When I got home, I found my roommate and some friends here. The had the news on t.v.. The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent gathering details from the news and calling everyone in our ward till we them all accounted for.
"As the midnight hour approached, we found that everyone was safe and though I had not talked to Nicole, I heard that she was O.K. and being taken car of in Connecticut. AS far as we knew, everyone in our stake had been accounted for and all was well. Though there were many that had worked down there, everyone wither just couldn't 'get it together' that morning or escaped easily.
"It is amazing that all were protected and watched over. As all the events began in the morning, I know the first thing that popped in my head was the hymn 'Where can I turn for Peace?'. For the first time, I knew exactly what the hymn was about and what it meant to me. The only security I felt this day was with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. My world had changed in a matter of minutes and right before before my eyes. I had been stripped of any sense of safety and security I ever had before. My Savior was and is the peace left in for my soul."
The day that followed this, I received a call from my friend Nicole in the early morning. She had escaped on a ferry that day and ended up in Connecticut with a family that she knew from back in TX. She asked me to come take care of her and bring clothes and necessities. I took the train out to help her and try to help her work thru what I could. I slept in her bed with her and she would wake up crying several times through out the night. The hardest thing for her was seeing the people's faces as they jumped from the towers to try to escape the flames but in turn sealed their fate as their bodies were crushed into the ground.
Unfortunately, I was called back into work and was only able to stay with her for 24 hours. Coming back into the city was hard. There were posters plastered all over buildings and walls with pictures of loved ones that had gone missing during the attack. It was a constant reminder of what had happened. Another reminder was the smell. It was as if you could smell death in the air. Death of the towers and of the bodies trapped under the rubble. You couldn't escape it.
I volunteered as much as I could. I continued at my soup kitchen and then also delivered meals after work to the burn victim unit in the hospital. We had a food station set up for all the loved ones of the people who were badly burned in the towers. Unfortunately, not many of the patients made it.
As you can imagine, there was so much doom and gloom. But there was also light too. It was at this time that I realized how unimportant my career was how important family was. I was dating David and he was wanting to get married. This event made me realize his importance in my life and I finally agreed we should get married. It is because of that, that I have what I do 10 years later. And, as with many, I finally understood what it is to be an American. I still get teary when I see an American flag hanging in some one's yard.
At this time, I also immersed myself in constant scripture and gospel study that really enriched my life. It got me thru my darkest hours like the anthrax attacks that followed and my fear of riding the subway or an airplane flying too close to the ground. It is not a good place to be in to always be terrified of a terrorist attack.
I am so thankful for a Savior that is mindful my needs and helped me work thru my fears and guide me in the right direction. I mourn for those who experienced so much tragedy that day and lost their love ones in a horrific manner. My heart is with you.
As with millions of others, I miss the towers. When I moved to New York, I was an inexperienced 21 year old. The towers served as compass for me as I tried to navigate the large city. I was never lost as long as I could see them. Just like this newspaper headline says... "Wish you were here".
